Introduction
Once upon a time somewhere in a little city I took my first breath and my life get started. I don't remember too much about how was to be a little girl but I think it was good. But this story is not about the past is about the present so let's jump a little in time!
I'm leaving in Europe and my mother tongue is not English but I would like to write this blog in English for two reason: one to practice a little bit the language and the second reason is that I want to somebody understand it who is speaking in English, and who maybe one day will read this blog!
I was 15 years old when I took my first big decision about my life, and believe me still I don't know if it was the best or the worst decision in my life, but here is starting this story!
I decided to go to another country to study. I wasn't sure about my decision but I was sure about that I need a little change in my life and sounded so good at the beginning that I will be my own boss out there.
Well the decision was been taken, there was no way back so I started my first "adventure"! The funny part is that i would like to tell you what happened in the first year but I can't. I remember just a few vague memories, some little spots but that's all. The one thing I know is with that decision something started which still holds and I don't know when it's gonna end but now I'm living and waiting for that moment!
I spend 5 years in high school let's say it was good, I had my worst moments but I had some good time and some beautiful afterimages, but that 5 years it was like a roller-coaster being up and down all the time. Actually I was fighting with my self for example, I love to do sports, and I tried a lot of sports, and one was common in all I started with a big and great enthusiasm and I tried and i late it in the past. All my life I started everything but never ended nothing, or I never kept out next to nothing. The only exception is the school, oaooooaoo yeah well done A.J., well done! But that's it.
You wanna know some examples? Well let's start with sports: I tried the ping-pong, the handball, football,the athletics, the basketball, the baseball (this is still keeping), but I tried playing on flute, piano, organ, I started drum lessons but after the second one I was moving again so I had to leave it, for that one I was really - really disappointed.
But let's take with steps! The ping-pong time it was still in Primary School and I stopped playing because the coach changed the practice time and the new dates wasn't good for me I had other things to do in that time and it was a little bit important for me than the ping - pong. The handball it was part of my life for 5 years, 4 in Primary School and one in High School, but already I was in the other country so with new team and new coach. They were good but I wasn't feeling that I am one of them, I was left out of the fun part. They already playing together for years I was the new one who needs to learn everything but having nothing in that team, not even a good friend! And of course coming from an other country I had different citizenship and that was a big problem in that time! So feeling not so good it was easier to let it the handball than fight with the team and show to them than yes I'm good and make them to notice that I'm existing too. And in that bad part I found a good company and a good team in the school but it wasn't a handball team it was a football team. So feeling very good with them I started playing football, and that was good for a while as long as one day we had a championship between schools in the county, and than everything changed. We were playing for being in the finals and I really wanted that so I was taking all the chances that I had. It was just few minutes from the match and the result it was 1-1 but for us only chances to get to the finals it was to win that match, so the drawn game it wasn't enough for us! So I decided to go and attack. The opposing goalkeeper made a mistake not dropping the ball with the perfect power but dropping high next by the six-line and I wanted to catch that ball so I jumped as high as I could but it wasn't enough and getting back to the ground I had a horrible accident I twisted my knee! From that moment my knee wasn't good anymore and I didn't have the money for a good operation and I don't have now either so my knee is still hurt and makes me a lot of headache!
So thanks for that jump everything changed: I wasn't able to do the final exam in end of High School the physical education graduation which would have been necessary for the University of Physical Education, so my dream about being a sport teacher and a coach was broken. I wasn't able to play football in that form that I was playing before the accident so I wasn't good enough to get in a good team after High School.
After that doing sports it was just for hobby because to get to a team I wasn't good enough. The baseball was the only thing that gives some hopes but I'm not fast and I'm afraid to run fast because my left knee is weak and I need to protect all the time with bandage but sometimes that is not enough and turns out again.
The other big problem it was that not doing so much sport I started to get fat, and started to not feel good in my body. And this problem sealed my fate! I'm still fat and i'm still not feeling good in my body and even in my life!
So one of the problems was followed by the other: being fat I wasn't confident in myself so I made a lot of bad decisions, I decided to go to University and studying something that I don't care, letting behind again everything and going to a new city and restarting again from the beginning.
Well this time it was too hard and now I'm in the 3th year and I hate it, and this 3 years it was the worst of my life!
In the university
I started the University at 2009 and that summer was the best in my life and feeling like in haven time was running very fast; in a moment I was at home with family and friends and the next moment I was back to the ground in a new city without nobody and the only things that were mine, were the laptop and my clothes in my bag. Being again alone and feeling so lonely like never field before I knew that this is going to be a new start but if I don't start in the right way this is going to be really hard. Well yeah and that's the true it is hard and not because I need to learn a lot, it's hard because I'm alone and feeling so lonely in a city without any idea how to make it better or at least a little bit different!
The first half year it was about missing what I never had and dreaming about a better life, the system was other in a big hostel where were a lot of people but no friends. You know new people every day and you said hello to them but if you were in a problem nobody was there. I was shopping alone, I was eating alone, I was going alone to the lessons, and in exams period nobody told you which way you should do to make it easier. You were own boss which lessons you take, when you take, everything it was on internet. This system in a way it is good but it make's for you a lot of problems: for example if you miss the perfect time to take a lesson you must to wait half year or one year to take it again and sometimes the important lessons were in same day and same time, etc.. To get use with this it was taking too much power and too much patient and it wasn't a good thing from where I could get some new energy.
Being fat I couldn't make a good relationship and not being in the fun part in the first half year I was losing the chances to make friends, for example with my "class mate in the same major". Still that they were having fun and knowing each other I was fighting with myself to get out from that emotional crisis which drew me in a so deep hole from were still I couldn't find the out way.
After the first half year I was getting a little better; founding a good friend in my mothers old friend she is living in the city and some people who to talk in university area! The second year I moved to an other hostel where the hostel life was much better but being still in that hole, what I made to myself and I know that I could have a better life if I would have money, because in university life to have fun you need money, to travel to home you need money, to eat a better dinner you need money, to have a nice T-shirt you need money, to get attention from boys you need to be attractive but to be attractive you need money! Well and that what I never had, enough money to be what others like, and be famous and having fun! It was my choice that: I go to a party or I eat a hot lunch; because it happened that for days I was eating cold food, sandwiches, brad with something and the only thing that was hot it was my tea. Too be clear I wasn't starving I just eat not normal food and not healthy food. The result of this it was to be more fatter and more uglier and again going back to the bottom of that hole. And when it was a little better, because it was vacation and I had the chance to go home I was up but after the vacation going back it was equal with the drawing again to the hole.
I'm not clever I can study yes but what I know for the exam, 3 days later I forgot, so going with the time it was more harder because the teachers were expecting that what they already told you, you know so they were talking about next level, and forgetting the basic things I was at back from the others, and it wasn't time to get start from learning everything again because I needed to learn the new things. So I was like a memory stick: now I learned that I copied to my head, but getting full I deleted and putting new information on. And now I feel so stupid every day and the one thing that university was teaching me it's that life is not easy, and sometimes you are the looser! In university I'm a looser, but still I'm here and I'm fighting but believe me I expect the end of this more than like a mother of nine month pregnancy waiting for giving life to a child!
I like to live when I'm whit my family and my best friends but that time is too short and bad time is too long now in my life!
When you are living without no hope you are lost, like I am too. The only thing that helped me to not let behind the university and fight for it it was to dream all the time about things that maybe I never will have and about things that I will have ex: a car, about my place, about my home, being again with family. And all this years the only person who was talking to me every day and giving to me love it was my mother, and she is still doing this every day, and I dream about that: one day we will be again living together in my place and drinking the morning cafe together.
I'm lucky in that part of the life to have a great mother, a good family and some of the best friends in the World but I was so stupid leaving them and living far from them, and without them I am not living! I am a dead soul in a live body. I miss my best friend and my mother every day every second of my breath and I can just hope that one year more and maybe this is going to be a part of a very bad nightmare and I'm gonna wake up being next by them and being happy spending the time with them!
This was, is and will be my real dream but next to this I have another dream and the next part is about that dream! A dream that looks like never going to be reality but just thinking of that makes me to forgot even for that 5 minutes the real life and forgot the problems and escape in a world were that dream is my life and somebody is part of that! Where everything is possible and I'm happy and having so much power that I able to resolve everything! Fantasy gives me a peace of haven for that little time when I have time to escape from reality and run to my dream and let everything behind for a little!!!
