2012. április 18., szerda

Part 3: My fantasy world and Donnie Wahlberg


The first time when I “saw” Donnie it was in 2010 when I was searching for new songs and I founded the Summertime video on YouTube. I liked the song but nothing special and I checked the other songs of the team and the Single, the One song, Dirty Dancing and the Full service was really - really good. My favorite it was the One Song.
After that day Donnie’s face was on my mind all the time, I knew that I know him from somewhere but I couldn't remember it from where! I was little busy that time so for a week I was just thinking and thinking but with no time to search it. So at weekend I decided that I will try to find out why his face was so familiar too me!
First I searched for his name  because I didn't know who is he! 
Well turned out that I know his brother Mark from movies, and it turned out that I know Donnie from Annapolis movie, which is one of my favorites! :) So yeah that's why his face was so familiar for me :)
Well that day started my story!
And after that I started to search all information about him, where he is living, what he is doing and I started to watch his movies and listen his songs. Of course I heard about the Blue Bloods, so I started to watch it and I really like it. Sometimes I wait the Saturday morning more than everything, because of the time difference I only can watch in Saturday morning, not Friday night. We are in front around 6 hours than NYC. Sometimes that hour is my highlight of the week, when I can laugh a little bit and forgot everything, like in my fantasy! 
I like when he is playing his scene for example I remember when in Season 2, Episode 5, Danny & Linda Reagan wants some privacy weekend and Danny had a case, and in the restaurant:"Because you look amazing in that dress, It's a little short, but...I actually kind of like that!" And Linda said:"It is short.And I'm not wearing any underwear!" And that: that face, OOOO my GOOOOD look at that face!!! Puuuuuuffff


This face make me laugh so hard that I can't breath or makes me to cry because this face remind me that yeah he is a good actor and I like it how he is acting, but maybe I never gonna have the chance to meet him in a live! Than I'm just staring at his pictures and I just ask why he is so important for me, why I want to meet him? And believe me I don't know the answer I wish I would have an explanation but I don't have it! 


I remember in the first month when I was reading all kind of news about Donnie, that he is divorced and all this things and when I saw a couple of videos about fans who can tell that "Donnie kissed me"! I was a little bit disappointed for the first time. I was because I was thinking that why he is kissing everybody and maybe he is a just a striker, a skirt hunter and he knows that he is handsome and all kind of girls, woman likes him and some of them would do everything for him. And I was thinking that he is abusing the position and he is taking the chances to make everything where and when he wants. And maybe I am right, but I can't tell you about this because I never meet him, and I don't know him. So I was trying to look this thing from another side, for example from fans side. Well than this story is a very good and it is a happy story. There are a lot of fans who are happy because he makes them happy with a smile, with a picture or even with a kiss. I can imagine that girl's face, who had a kiss from Donnie, how happy is she and she is screaming and her adrenalin is in the sky and she is saying that he kissed me .... Well yeah from this side he is a hero!
And maybe I'm just jealous because I can't be in that situation, and maybe I just want to be so happy like one of that girls. But you know I was thinking for a lot of times that what would be if I will meet him, and I know now what I would ask from him! I would ask to make some pictures (real pictures)and I would ask a big-big hug and that's all! I don't need a kiss I just need a moment with him, a moment when nobody else is there just me and him! 
But to be honest I already imagined a hundreds of times that I meet him and I tell him that I come from far and because of the distance would be really good if sometimes we could write some lines to each other, for example where is he in that moment and what he is doing, like just to people who are talking on the internet, nothing special! Well I think he would be too busy for this so this is just another dream what never gonna be reality.
Well yeah my fantasy is too big so I imagined a lot of things, and I'm gonna tell you some details!


Let's start with the serial Blue Bloods, I imagined how it would be to work with him in the serial and sometimes my episodes are really, aaa I'm not saying good but not even bad, so let's say that they are fine. And I take ideas from my life, from a day, from another scene from another movie, or from the serial. And before you were thinking in something bad, you need to know I won't be the marriage destroyer character! My favorite idea was that I would be Danny Reagan's daughter. A child from a lost love in Danny's past before meeting with Linda. (I tell the story later).

The second idea was that I was the bad girl, who gonna help Danny, and the third one: I was a bad girl who is playing a game and makes Detective Daniel Reagan a hero getting him a situation where he is needed to resolve some cases fighting with time. In this story my character is playing a game with the cops, she makes them to believe that she is a man, and in the end she runs away and Danny can't get my character and Danny is sure that it's about a man. So in one of the last scenes is that: my character is talking with Danny on phone at the airport, Danny is trying to get closer to my character who makes Danny's to believe that "he" wants to fly away, but  that's not true it's just a diversion operation. And when my character closed the phone it's getting true for the viewer that my character is a girl (me) and I walk away next to Danny back to the front door where a black car is waiting for me. And in the last scene I'm in my apartment taking a drink and remembering the all operation, and makes clear everything to viewer! (But maybe I will tell this story later)!


My other imagination is that I'm working with Donnie in music business like a lyrics writer and the NKOTB is singing some of my songs. Well this imagination is not so unbelievable because sometimes I'm writing lines about how I feel in that moment and I write about a situation, just I don't know if there are goods for making a pop songs! Well if one day I will have the chance to talk with Donnie or in live, or at the internet, fro example: in a video chat; I will share with him my lyrics and he will tell me his opinion, I hope! That would be really great that I write about my feelings and I send to him and after that they were correct some words (because my English is not so good) and my lyrics it's gonna be a song. Woooowww well that would be really - really - .... - really awesome. 


Donnie for me maybe it's a way to get out from the hole where I am right now, (details in 1-2 parts in my blog),  he is my drop, well I want that and maybe that's why he is so special for me. Who in a moment makes me happy with a smile in Blue Bloods and who makes me to realize that I'm just a girl in the World who is just dreaming about a better life but maybe she will never get that! 


The first story

The story stars when a gang’s front man is expanding his work to New York running from Washington, where the FBI was arresting some of his business partners! The problem was that FBI knows that he is not the big boss and arresting him will not resolve the problem, so they are having a plan but they need to work together with NY’s NYPD. The FBI’s team is made by a family like Reagan’s and 3 other people. The boss who is a woman; her name is Lisa, her second husband David is her right hand, and they have 3 children: 2 girls and a boy. One of the girls is an expert of case analyzing, the second is a great shooter and a great agent and the boy who is the oldest is a layer! The 3 other people are agents one of them is an expert of the computer!

Lisa it was superior of Danny in the academy and they were meeting again in a further training 24 years ago were they had a fair. The problem was that Lisa was much older than Danny and she was not happy in her first marriage and she already started the divorce process. Danny being handsome and being in the bad time next to her they started to get closer and the fact that it turned out that Danny was full in love with her under the academy made that they spend some time together, but keeping their relation in secret. But happiness didn’t last long, the problems what they starting to have it was too much for Lisa, so she decided to let Danny behind to protect the career of both; but she didn’t gone away alone. When she found out that she was pregnant she was at home divorced and with a promotion in her hand. Being not lucky with love she decided to live for work and for her daughter and to forget Danny she started to date with an old friend from work. The old friend was widow with two kids: 3 years old boy and a 1 year’s old girl! So they get married and they were living in a family with their 3 children.

So for Lisa and Danny this situation is not so good. Danny is angry because Lisa left him without a word when he was fall in love with her, he wants an explanation. The two girls of Lisa are talking too much about the Reagan’s boy: Danny and Jamie, the girls between them are talking about Danny and Jamie like mans.  So Lisa is nervous because her smallest daughter who is the shouter expert and daughter of Danny too (who would be me), is working too much with Danny to resolve the case and Lisa is afraid that she will needed to tell the big secret to avoid that her daughter gets closer sentimentally to Danny! The smallest girl know that Danny is married she keeps the distance just she get started something special next by Danny but she is not thinking to pass the abroad line, (this special thing it would be what makes the blood, but of course my character didn't know that). So they starting to became good friends, but Lisa not knowing this she is watching from back this situation and she thinks that they are getting too, too close. So Lisa decided to talk with Danny but this talk ends in a fight and Lisa being so angry she drops the brick and she tells Danny’s the true about the girl! 
(that's for today )

2012.04.23


Yesterday I was watching the videos on YouTube about the NKOTBSB concerts in Belfast and Dublin, and I realized that if I would be there my heart will hurt, because I would be somewhere at back too back, because I wouldn’t have the money to buy a ticket next to stage so I would watch all concert on the screen. Yeah definitely that’s really awesome to be there and sing with them together and jump and all this kind of things, but it’s not funny if you are alone. And I would be alone, because my best friends are not listening NKOTB and I don’t have so much money to get two ticket and they had either! So that’s the reality I can’t go and if I could I would be alone, so this is the best to not go and just hope in that: maybe one day I will meet Donnie in other circumstances!

So my fun is to watch all videos about the concerts, and find pictures, and maybe stories about how was to be there. Actually I’m interested behind the concert how is the life in back, and after the concert. So I would like to know the details, and actually the concert it would be just something more, my curiosity is about the all process, before the concert, during the concert and after the concert! But I think that’s going to be a big secret for me, because I will never going to have the chance to go to a concert of NKOTB, but that’s fine. I have a big fantasy so I will imagine it;  it’s not gonna be like the real one, but it will be just fine for me, well if is not fine, that is what I have, so it must to be fine.

Today I expect a test result not connected with university is connected to my life, and if that result is going to be positive than I will be in a big – big problem! I still I can’t get it what is happening I just hope that exam is going to be negative and my life is going to like it was, just normal. If that exam is going to be positive, than I will need to sit down and think how this could happened and what would be the next step, if that exam is positive than the hole is much bigger than I was thinking, and definitely there is no way to get out from that! So I will spend my all life in that dark big hole! So now I need all my faith and all my hope. The bad part is that I can’t do anything anymore so now it’s just the waiting and waiting how the tomorrow will count in my life. I was sure that from this hole there is no down more, I’m in the bottom already and there is no more lower level, but today I founded out that always there is a lower level! The bad and sad part is that I was waiting that one day I can came to a higher level and now I can be happy if I stay where now I am! One day and your life is changed, and day you are happy because you finished the high school, the next day you are crying because it is hard to be in a university alone without friends and the next day you pry to have a negative result to get continue with the bad part, and not to be in the worst one! The funny part that today it's 23, and this is my favorite number and 2 month later I will have my birthday and I will be 23! So after this tell me that this is random and it's not coincident ... well i don't know what is luck and why some of as has to much of luck and  some of us, like me just a few, but now I hope that it's going to be my turn! 

I don´t know what is life and what is it good for, if I can´t be with the people who I love and who love me too. Why my family is not one of the rich ones, and why we must to have all the time problems because of the money!!! You not gonna believe at but I have a good family and if I still in live is because I love them and they love me, but all the time when one of us has a problem it's because of the money; for example I'm far because I'm in a university. I'm in a university, because I want to get a diploma to hope in that I will be work in a place where I will get a better payment and I will buy a house and I will  move there with my parents and we can be together again not far from my brothers. But the university is eating all that little money that we have, and everyday I'm thinking of that because of this I need to finished, because my mom is working so hard to get the money for my costs, and how I could go and have fun, spend money to drink, to clubs with a clear conscience! This half year I had money because I'm in a project and the project has money, but that's all if that money is gone, than I don't have any more, so I must to take back a little bit and not spend so much! I was in the Boat and that was awesome, (it's about a weekend traveling with the a boat from one town to an other, and have fun during the trip on the boat). That was my first and last travel in this half year, and I just listen how others are telling, how was to travel to other countries, and how much was it! I don't have that money so I can't go, and that's OK and now I don't care, not any more just the result is important now, only the result! Everyday I must to make a list, what is the must important: today, and not think about that, what was yesterday! I live for today and I need to take the stairs with one, otherwise I will broke down under so much thing, and that is what I don't want. I want to live and I want to survive this bad time and hope that it will be time when I will be happy every day and I will enjoy living MY life!

This waiting think makes me crazy !!! I want to roar, to scream and let out all anger what is now inside of me! You know Donnie is making good, he is living his life and he enjoy it, with concerts, kissing fans, having parties and yeah he is doing so good and I think that is the point what I never saw, I must to live my life how it is, and between mine lines and not to dream all the time about a live that it is not mine! Donnie is star and he has a life of stars! I'm not a star, so I must to live mine life and yeah maybe one day I will have that real picture with Donnie Wahlberg and I will be really - really good. But I can be just good trying to get out from university with a diploma and start to get back to live my real life!

2012. 04. 27.

 So my result was negative, so I'm back to the normal days and well it's sounds weird but I can tell that I'm happy (because I'm not in a deeper hole just in the same level)! But I'm happier because on Sunday I will watch the NKOTBSB concert online and I hope there will be no connection problem! I know it won't be the same if I would be there but also this is a great opportunity to watch them and have a little imagine how the concert is!




I have a really busy weekend but I already waiting the morning to watch the new episode of Blue Bloods and of course I'm waiting the Sunday night to watch the concert online! I'm really excited :) !


Today I had a weird day all day but I had time to get away from reality and go to my world to visit Donnie, and it was good, too good and maybe it's a crazy thing but I like to get away and just imagine what is so good! 


2012.04.30.

Yesterday the concert was awesome! It's good to know how it is build the all show :D Yeah it's true it wasn't as good like I would be there, but form me it was just great, I mean for my possibilities it was the best!


Donnie it was quite and handsome like always, but I like when he is wearing a baseball cap, it doesn't matter the color, I like when he is wearing one! I like it too much!




The last one is my favorite :)
So I had a great night and I think that is the point, to have good moments in bad time! So definitely Donnie for me it's a way to survive the bad time of my life, having some beautiful moments what gives me power! After the concert I couldn't sleep for a wile so I started to write some lines, and I think today I will make some corrections and I will have a new lyrics on my pocket, for better days!

2012.05.10.

Today I should be in Germany, in Oberhausen and I should be excited for going to the concert! But I'm not there and I don't know nobody from there. If I would know somebody I would ask her/him to write my name on a paper like: To A.J. and I would ask her/him to find Donnie in the city and make a picture with Donnie holding the paper and after that he/she would send to me that picture! But yeah this is another sweet dream what it is going to be just a dream.
The exam session arrived so I will have 5 exams, 2 in next week and 3 in June.
June, hmmmm this June, I will have a special Birthday because on 23 I will be 23 years old. I would like to make a big party, but of course that's not 100% that I will have one, because in the last 7 year, except last year I  didn't have a party! So I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to spend my Birthday. I would invite Donnie but he will be somewhere in South America and if I would have his e-mail address he will never come! BUT I don't have the address so it doesn't matter! 

Two days ago, on Tuesday (05.08) I had a really interesting talking with a man who is a little similar with Donnie: the form of the face, the beard style and the eyes! Talking with him I felt something really-really weird, I was happy, but it was a happy feeling what I never felt before! And I realized that if I will find a man who will be there for me and he will love me and I will love him, than I won't need my fantasy world with Donnie! It was really strange feeling, and I was good. If I will find a man a little similar with Donnie than I will be more than happy and more than good! This man let's call him O, is not good because he is from aboard so in a few days we will be too-too far from each other, so I need to find another man! But if I will find one not similar to Donnie I will be fine too, just I need somebody next by me!

I'm thinking a lot, on that: what if I will meet one day Donnie and I won't have the chance to talk a little bit with him, or I will but I will be so nervous that I won't be able to say something? It will be a bad memory and I won't to have a bad memory with him. And the other thing is that I don't want to meet him being so fat and ugly like how I'm now. I want to lose weight and be a little sexy, and after that I want that meeting. So I think is better to not be now in Germany! I want to meet Donnie but not now, in the future when I will be ready for that meeting and having a real picture, maybe a great talk and having just great memories with him!!!
I want to make an impression and after that meeting he could say for his friends that: today I met a nice and really funny girl! I know, to make that impression I will need to make a huge effort: finishing the university, to lose weight, get a good job and having money for the trip to New York or Boston! But if next June I will finish the university, then nothing can stop me to lose weight and make money for meet Donnie Wahlberg!!!!! Maybe it's going to take years, but I will make it, I will do it, just first I need to finish my last year in HELL, in university! And then I will able to do everything what is must to do, for travel to USA. Just 13 month more in the hole, in the hell and after that I will fly and I will get out from there, just making the last effort and I will live again, like I never lived before!

2012.05.14.

I have to be hard, 4 more days and after that I will have a few days for a little break and take some deep breaths. Of course after this little break I will again in the hell, but in the same level in my hole and that is fine, I think! I mean it could be worse, being more deeper, but I'm not and that is sounds good! Today I found a good song, it's not a new song but it is really-really good one, from Marc Cohn: One save place (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FcVG5uOCKk)  
He is right we all are looking for a one save place, a save place with nice and lovely people, with friends and family!
"How many roads you’ve traveled
How many dreams you’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place"
I've been tried a lot of roads, I've been chased a million of dreams but only few of them are really goals for me! One of them, actually the second one is that: to meet, in a nice place, one day, with a great man, and  I want to talk with him and I want to have some great and funny pictures with him. Yes I know, you know about who I am talking, but I will write every day, if it's necessary just for myself, to not forget that not now, not yet, ONE DAY! One day I will meet Donnie if everything is going to be more than fine, I will be better and I will be beautiful!  
I'm getting tired of so many complicated situations, I don't want to run away from problems I just don't want to fight alone, that's all! I want to have that one save place which is just waiting for me and there I'm going to be happy, even having a lots of problems in my head. I will be happy because I won't be alone. After this I will be enough good, good to my meeting, for one nice meeting!

2012.05.16.

I hate myself! I have better things to do and better techniques to survive the bad time in my life, why Donnie is my way to get away from the reality, why he? He even know me, he even know that I am existing! Why I need him, to think on him before asleep, why when it's really hurts he is the first on mind? WHY? Today I saw that he wrote on twitter that: "But first, a small detour...." and of course my first idea was how it would be if he would come to Finland because now I'm in Finland but after 13 days I will be back too my real life! Starting hopefully the last year in the hell, and hopefully next June I can write here the good ending of this story! That I'm out of the hole, I made it and I can start to live! Than this story will end because this is about bad periods of my life! There are so many questions without answers for example what is life and why we are who we are? I know this questions are asked to be never responded, but some question I would like to know, why I found that song in that summer night, and why Donnie Wahlberg is in my head??? Why, why, why??? I never meet him, I don't know nothing about that things what I would like to know about him, I don't know him. I just know that he is a lucky person, because he is loved by a lot of hearts in this life, in this world! I don't know if I can say that what I feel that is love, because that sounds too seriously and I don't want to love a person that I even meet! BUT definitively something is because he is in my mind and I make up stories for myself how could I meet him, and the fact is that maybe I will never do that! Maybe I will never know him, he will never read these lines and he will never know about me. But maybe he will, and he will read this, one day somewhere in the far future, he will know about this blog and about this story that: there was a girl in middle of the Europe, who had some hard years, during that years when she would be the most happiest! And that girl couldn't go to parties and drinking and she was staying at home, laying on bed and making up stories with him, to make that minute beautiful and special! To forgot that she is not happy in that minute in the real life! I would like to forget him and just concentrate on the reality, not leaving in fantasy, but I won't! I can do it, but I don't want to do that! WHY? Believe me I don't know either, and if somebody knows, please let me know! Now I'm that situation that I could write pages after pages about stories from my life, about that things which I never could understand why they happened and why in that way! But this story is not about that, this is another story with other points! Now he is in New York maybe having some drinks with some friends, or he is with family, or maybe with a special person, he knows, me not! What I know that I will try to find a way to let him to know about this story, and ask for his opinion about it! That opinion would tell me a lot of things and maybe with that and of course with my picture and hug I will could just let him out, from my life and from my mind! I will try to search a way, anyway I don't have nothing too lose, so why not???!!!

2012.05.20.

I was lying on my bed and I was thinking that I had a good day if we are looking from that way, that I was free but I had a horrible day if we are looking on other side, that I was alone! So I started to check my e-mails and some information about things and of course I checked the twitter! Donnie wrote two tweets:
"Yesterday's gone! Live in the past, harp on what was & miss out on today, or live in the now, learn from the past & make the most of today!" and the other "Spending all of your time talking negative sh*t about others, means you likely have no positive sh*t to say for yourself."!
And I ask myself what the F*Ck??? What the hell he is talking about, come on! He is telling me to not look back and live for today who is traveling in the World and having fun every day! I know my life is not a perfect life, but I know why is not perfect because I'm a f*cking poor that's why! And yes I want to change it and I'm gonna do it, but come on, I don't want to hear some philosophic sentences about the life from a rich man! Come on, rather tell me much more about the tour, put pictures on, make videos and let us know more, I don't want to read about be positive and bla-bla shits! I don't know why but I freaked out, don't ask me why, but that is the true! About we want to know, I mean most of fans, he never talks, but what we know better he talks! Of course I know how my life is, everybody knows, it is not good, and? And what? Tell me something what I already don't know, for example how it's enough 3 days to pass 3 countries on the tour? I mean what is with the stage? They are carrying with them, or every tour stop has another stage looking exactly the same? This kind of things I want to read not about psycho bla-bla! Come on! I would have the chance to work with him just for a little time, every fan would be much more than happy, I would tell him how could he change the world! And that would be something, yeah definitely that would we the awesome thing! I don't need sermon on the mount, I have people for that, from you Donnie I need fun, much fun, reading funny things, stories and watching good videos, that's all! 

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